Keeping the faith through our trials

This is a talk I gave in church on July 30th 2017

Its a talk I want to remember for when future trials come my way, because we all know they will... I can go back and read this again. 

Bishop asked me to speak today on how to keep the faith while going through trials. This is a subject I have been very excited to speak on, not because I love my trials by any means, but because I have learned so much in the process.

On March 4^th 2016 our then, 4 year old son was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. It wasn’t a new thing for me, I grew up with a type 1 diabetic dad my entire life, but being the caregiver for one 24/7 was a whole new ballgame. I stayed strong though. I fought the good fight and did what I had to, to keep my son alive and as healthy as possible. I had moments of depression where It seemed like things would never get easier, but for the most part I handled the change pretty well. I felt like if I just stayed busy then I could prove that the disease didn’t beat me. I continued to serve in my calling, I continued volunteering in my kids school classes and serving on the pto board. I went into this superwoman mode where I felt I had something to prove, but didn’t realize it at the time. Then all of the sudden in what seemed like overnight I was hit with a severe anxiety issue. It really crept on slowly over the year but I always felt it was situational and would go away as soon as I finished this or that that I was stressing over. I kept pushing and going because I didn’t know what else to do. Eventually the anxiety became too severe I was afraid to leave my own house. I would go for walks to help with the attacks but was afraid to walk beyond my own block. I had fallen into a dark fog of fear. It felt like I would be this way for the rest of my life! I lost who I was. I felt alone, afraid and hopeless. I didn’t realize that my savior was by my side the entire time. I want to speak to you today about a few of the lessons I have learned in the last few months as I have battled a trial beyond anything I have ever had before.

#1:BLESSINGS & PRAYER WORK: I remember one Sunday just crying and pleading with my heavenly Father to remove this burden from me. I didn’t understand what was happening to me and so I didn’t know who to ask for help from or even how to ask for help. I just told my Heavenly Father to send me an angel because I didn’t know what to do. That night Grant asked bishop to come give me a blessing. After his blessing was the first moment of peace I had felt in a long time! I was able to sleep that night too. The next morning my phone rang, I debated answering it but did. It was sister Susie John asking if she could visit me. My first reaction was to find an excuse because I didn’t want anyone so see me like this, but a voice popped into my head saying “maybe she is the angel you prayed for.” I agreed to have her come over. When she came she brought me a bag of apples and then went on to explain how she had received a strong prompting to come visit me. I began to cry realizing that Heavenly Father really did hear my prayer, and he sent the angel I had prayed for. I knew she was prepared too because she knew exactly what I needed to hear and she listened to my worries. It was the first time in my life where I truly saw the answer to a prayer so clearly. There has been many times since that day that I needed a friend and sister John was there no matter what I needed she was willing. Heavenly Father knew she was exactly who I needed at that time.

#2 WHEN WE GO THRU TRIALS, ITS OK TO ASK FOR HELP!

I have a really hard time asking for help. I have had times in my life where I needed help and no one showed up. After that I stopped asking because I didn’t want to face possible rejection. When my anxiety became bad though, it was a job beyond what just I or grant could handle. I had several people to came to our aid. People like the Bybees who would take my little boys for a couple hours so I could have a break. Sister Nancy Chandler who let me use some of her oils to help with the anxiety, bishop and the Nebeker’s who came and gave council and blessings. Sister Stevenson bought me some herbal tea and offered to help with my kids. The list goes on and on with people who brought in food, send text and encouraging messages. I felt like I had an entire army of support and it was amazing!

#3 NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GETS, WE CAN ALWAYS FIND EVEN ONE RAY OF SUNLIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

I learned early on to try and find my little successes in my day so that I didn’t feel like a total failure. One day I was pretty anxious and it seemed the only thing I could do was walk. Maddox begged to go with me so I let him but my mind was racing a million miles an hour so I wasn’t paying him much attention. Then I noticed he was just smiling and chatting away, not even noticing that I wasn’t listening or responding to him. I realized in that moment, that Maddox didn’t see this walk as “mommy is having an anxiety attack” he saw it as “ mommy and I are going on a walk together” It was alone quality time with me. Even though I had very little I could give as a mom, my kids loved me!! Every day since, no matter how bad things seemed, I could find something good. Like, I unloaded the dishes today, or I went outside and watched the kids play. It was usually small simple things; but as the scriptures say, by small and simple things, great things come to pass.

#4 ITS OK FOR PEOPLE TO SEE US WEAK, IT MAKES US HUMAN!

Sister John mentioned that day when she visited me, that I didn’t seem like the type of person who needed help. She felt I was the type of person who had it all together. I could only laugh because I have never seen myself as being that type of person. I always try to stay strong because I didn’t feel I had any other option and didn’t need a pity party, but I have always secretly hoped people would notice when I needed help and just step in. I realized that day that I need to be better at being vulnerable. No one is immune from trials and weaknesses. They are what make us human! Hopefully now that your all hearing this talk that you realize this too. J

#5 CHIRST IS ALWAYS THERE!

I have had days where sadly I would pray and ask Heavenly Father why he wasn’t helping me, why my trial wasn’t going away! Then one day I found a picture of my Grandmother who passed away last year. In this picture she was holding Maddox when he was less than a week old. She had this look of pure love on her face and she gazed at him. Then a thought appeared in my mind as if to say “ I look at you with this same love. I have been here and holding you up so you could make it through this hard time.” I became very emotional as the spirit confirmed to me that I had never been alone. Not only had Christ always been there, but that angels from both sides of the veil have been there too. Loving me, supporting me, and getting me though. We have to choose to acknowledge for ourselves though. We have no idea how many times in our lives we have been blessed and didn’t even realize the heavenly angels who saved us. When I cry I know my savior cries because he knows better than anyone else the pain we feel. When we laugh, he laughs because he loves to see us happy. In every tiny detail of our lives, our Savior is there by our sides and always will be.

#6  WHEN WE ARE SICK, HEAVENLY FATHER EXPECTS US TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.

I love Elder Hollands conference talk entitled “Like a Broken Vessel” Even before I struggled with anxiety, it was my favorite talk. In his talk states. “seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.”

I took this counsel serious. Not only did I get many priesthood blessings, but I also sought the counsel of my doctor. I asked advice from those who I knew also struggled with what I was struggling with. I met with a counselor a couple times which was very helpful! I started for the first time in probably my life as a mother, making time for me!! I didn’t even know what my hobbies were anymore. It was a slow process overcoming the mommy guilt but boy has it been therapeutic! I started meditating, which I know to some people sounds funny, but for me it works. I have been able to focus and ponder and figure out the roots of my anxiety so I could make the personal changes necessary to get better again.  I was willing to try everything and anything.  

#7    NO MATTER WHAT TYPE OF TRIAL WE HAVE, WE NEED OUR SAVIOR.

When we go thru trials in life we have two choices. 1. Be angry with God for allowing this horrible thing to happen. Blame him and pull away. Or #2, Come unto Christ, realize that with him by our side, we can overcome anything. This doesn’t mean that it’s all the sudden easy because you turn to Christ though. Many times we need our trials to stretch us into who God knows we can become. We need to experience certain things for one reason or another. Sometimes bad stuff just happens because of the fallen world we live in.  As much as I have hated this trial I am dealing with right now, I can honestly say I have never been closer to my savior in my entire life! My prayers are more meaningful, my scripture study isn’t just a task to check off my to do list, but a spiritual feast. I have had dozens of prayers answered and lessoned learned as I have studied the book of Mormon this time around. I don’t just pray morning and night and for my food, but I have a continual prayer in my heart at all times. I know my savior knows exactly how I feel right now because he suffered all things in the Garden of Gethsemane. There isn’t a pain in this life that we can experience that he has not. He knows all loss all pain, all suffering, all loneliness. He knows it all. No one can understand what we go through more than our savior. No struggle is too big or too small to turn to him.  If you are struggling today in your life, I plead with you, turn to your Savior! He is patiently waiting your prayer and is eagerly waiting to help.

One day I was praying, and in my prayer I had a moment of weakness. I was tired and worn down and ready to be done. I asked when this trial would finally be over. Afterword’s I was reading in a general conference talk by Elder L. Whitney Clayton from this last general Conference entitled “ Whatsoever He saith unto you, do it”. In the talk I read; “God asks us to bear with Him—to trust Him and to follow Him. He pleads with us to “dispute not because ye see not.” He cautions us that we shouldn’t expect easy answers or quick fixes from heaven. Things work out when we stand firm during the “trial of [our] faith,” however hard that test may be to endure or slow the answer may be in coming.¹⁰ I am not speaking of “blind obedience”¹¹ but of thoughtful confidence in the perfect love and the perfect timing of the Lord.”

He goes on to say “The trial of our faith will always involve staying true to simple, daily practices of faith. Then, and only then, does He promise that we will receive the divine response for which we long. Only once we have proven our willingness to do what He asks without demanding to know the whens, the whys, and the hows do we “reap the rewards of [our] faith, and [our] diligence, and patience, and long-suffering.”¹² Real obedience accepts God’s commandments unconditionally and in advance.¹³” end quote

Boy was this a quick answer to my prayer, and a good rebuking for my complaining too J I have read in the scriptures time and time again the importance of having faith, hope, patience and long suffering through our trials. It has become a theme for me as I try to do as I am asked.

#8 SOMETIMES HEALING HURTS!

Have you every realized that sometimes in our trials, we cant walk around but have to walk through the fire in order to get to the other side? Its hard and it hurts. My daughter Ellie got a new scooter for her birthday. The next day while racing her sister, she crashed. Both hands were cut up and bleeding along with both elbows, both knees and up one side. Her wounds were covered in dirt and gravel from the crash. I quickly went into nurse mode and began to clean her up. She cried in pain and I cleaned the dirt and gravel from her wounds. She begged me to stop, but I knew if I didn’t properly clean her wounds she would become infected and the pain would be worse. So I apologized and explained that this process what necessary for her to heal properly. In that very moment Heavenly Father taught me a great lesson. This is what its like for him and our savior when we struggle. We cry out in pain and beg for it to end. As sad as it make them, they know that our “wounds must be properly cleaned and treated in order to heal’ If we are patient, keep our wounds properly bandaged and treated with the right medical treatments, than eventually they will heal. Ellies scrapes and bruises took time to heal, some of them are still healing but she is doing much better today. Sometimes healing hurts and sometimes it takes a very long time to get better, but the Lord promises us that someday it will be better!!

#9 MARRIAGE IS NOT A 50/50 DEAL!!

I know some of you are disagreeing with me right now but let me explain. When bishop came to my house that Sunday evening, he visited with Grant and I for a very long time. One piece of council he gave me was that marriage is not always a 50/50 deal. Sometimes its 90/10 and that’s what marriage is all about. When one person struggles, the other person steps up and picks up the slack. I was feeling so much guilt because I wasn’t doing “my job” Grant was doing all the cooking, the cleaning, the diabetic care. He was putting kids to bed, doing the shopping, plus all his day job and church duties. Bishop made me realize that there are times where that is ok! I realized that Grant was happy to help. There are times when I step up and help grant out too. That’s what marriage is all about! When I could, I would step in and help. As I have been improving, I have been able to take on more and more of my 50% again.

#10 THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I know that no matter what your going though, there comes a day where you feel like things will never get better! Weather that’s your health, you happiness, your financial situation, your career problems, whatever your trial is, I know it feels like things will never get better. This is where faith comes in. Christ has told us that they will! Even if that relief comes in the next life instead of this one, it will get better. Like I stated earlier in my talk, “by small and simple things, great things come to pass.” Baby steps. Every day put one foot in front of the other. Every day choose to find even 1 things to be thankful for. Before you know it, you will be looking back and realizing you made it!! In elder Hollands Talk “like a broken Vessel” he stake that there is always hope with a capital H!

We all have our own individual trials of our faith. No one is immune from struggle and pain. I promise you brothers and sisters that no matter what your going thru right now, that it will get better! Tomorrow the sun will rise. Good things will come if you just keep trying. Don’t give up, don’t loose hope. Draw closer to your Savior than you ever have and he will carry you.