God Loves you, and your not going to die

Boy has the last few weeks been a trial! Back in December I had my first ever panic attack. I assumed I experienced it so I could better understand my family who struggle with anxiety. And it did. My heart broke for those who experienced this regularly. Fast forward a few months and I experienced another one. Still wasn't fun!! I began to notice I would wake up not feeling well. I was agitated and on edge. I wouldn't have an apatite and would force myself to eat something in hopes to feel better. Usually once I got going it went away and I was fine. Then came the Weeblos Wow I was in charge of for my church calling. It was very stressful for me. I couldn't focus and get things done no matter how organized I tried to be, I just felt unorganized and it stressed me out. It also made me feel guilt for not being on the ball like I should have. This led to more anxiety and more attacks. I thought to myself, "after this is over it will all go away"... NOPE! Every day it got worse. Every morning I got sicker and the anxiety lasted longer. I couldn't get into my doctor, so I called my amazing brother, Derek who is a PA in Pocatello. He got me going on some much needed medication. Unfortunately it takes 4-6 weeks to fully kick in.  Last weekend I had the opportunity to go alone with Allivia to her volleyball tournament in Sugar City. I felt this would be a nice relaxing break to watch her play with no distractions. As soon as we got there, the anxiety hit and it hit hard!!! I walked the halls, I called my family, I tried cheering and pretending to enjoy the game in hopes to trick my mind, but nothing works. The longer I stayed, the worse the panic became. Eventually I feared my ability to make it home safe. I was so sick and so dizzy I didn't feel safe to drive. I feared passing out and crashing. This increased the panic. I let Allivias coach know I wasn't feeling well and left. Grant would have to drive to watch the rest of the tournament. This created an immense amount of guilt! I called my sister and she helped me make it home safe. I took 2 benedryl and knocked myself out. I was still a little anxious after but could function. Sunday morning comes, I am a mess!! crying, anxious, guilt, shame, it all combined and I imploded! The depressing thoughts and feeling I was having scared me! I knew that wasn't me, but yet they wouldn't go away. I had lost control of my own mind. I truly felt I was going to die from this. Out of desperation, Grant called our bishop over to help give me a blessing. We had a wonderful talk where he gave me great counsel about dropping my pride and asking others for help. He gave me a blessing where he promised I would be cured of this. He didn't say now or when, but the words brought peace. On Tuesday I met with my doctor. I had labs run to make sure there wasn't an underlying cause, and there wasn't. He had great advice and council also. He also wrote me a script for xanex, its a pill that will help me in times of panic. This also brought peace and hope. I began to pray to know what to do to help myself in the meantime. I knew I needed to cut back on my busy life. As hard as it was, I let my primary presidency know the truth and that I needed a few weeks to heal. I let my PTO board know the situation and that I needed time to heal. This is not something that comes easy for me, but I knew it was necessary for recovery. I worked on dropping my pride and reached out to my family for prayers and support. It seemed to lift a burden just having their love and support. Angels began to show up to help! A good friend of mine that had no idea the situation came by not knowing why, just felt the prompting I was in need. Her company and council also brought hope and peace. As she left my house she turned and said "Jylisha, God loves you, and your not going to die" best advice ever haha.  Friends called and text asking if I was OK. My sister in law brought dinner and watched my boys during my appointment. My visiting teacher let me borrow some essential oils to help calm me down. My friend down the street brought me soda and chocolate. My ward relief society brought me a bouquet of roses. Family called daily to see how I was doing. My name was put in the temple. The list go's on and on!! The amount of love and support I have received this week has blown my mind. I have been so humbled and blessed!! This has been the first time in my life where it was clear as day that my Heavenly Father has heard my prayer and sent the much needed help!! My husband is truly the best man on planet earth!! Not one time has he been discouraging or unsupportive. He took off work to stay with me for a couple days. He has done all the housework, all the diabetes management, the cooking, the kids daily needs and errands. He has been patient and loving and made me feel OK to pull back and heal. When I feel anxious, he holds my hands and takes me for walks because walking calms me down. He has listened as I pour my heart out in fear and desperation. I am truly the luckiest woman alive to have him by my side. 
I have done a lot of self reflection this week because I want to understand why this is happening. What caused it, and how to help prevent it again in the future. I am normally a person who thrives on being busy. I love to serve!! I feel though, that there comes a time when even being busy doing good things can become to much. I have overloaded my plate. I have also come to the conclusion that sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to struggle through certain trials to help mold us into who he knows we can become. I think that who we think we are and what our capabilities are, only touch the surface of our true potential!! Just like how we sometimes have to cut a bush back to shape it into its true form, sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to be cut back because we are growing wild and in the wrong direction. He needs to build us up in the right way and for the right reasons. Right now I am being cut back and it hurts!! I hate it and I cant wait for the trial to be over. I also know that if I humble myself and submit my will to his, that he will mold me into something beyond my wildest dreams. I want to learn to meditate. It may sound silly, but I need to have time in my day to shut the noise of the world out! I need to quiet my overly busy mind for a moment and ponder on the greater meaning and purpose of this life. I want to find that inner peace and understanding of this this life and my purpose here. 
This new understanding doesn't make the fear and anxiety go away, its still going to take time and medication for a while to get there and I am OK with that. I know that mental illness seems to be a shameful thing to talk about. I know that there are people who feel it can be healed without medical help, and to each their own on that one. But here is my two cents... This is not something to be ashamed of. Anxiety and depression are no different than a broken arm or high blood pressure. They need medical attention to be treated and healed. Only someone who has truly experienced this trial can understand the pit of despair and darkness it creates. Its not something to mess around with. I did not become suicidal luckily, but I fully understood in my worst point how people get to that point. Its a scary feeling!! Our Heavenly Father expects us to get the help needed. He doesn't want his children to suffer. He wants us to be who he created us to be, and that does no include fear. I can not say at this point that I am thankful for this trial, but I can say that I know without a shadow of a doubt, that someday I will be!! I want to be open about this subject in hopes to help others who many be suffering in silence at this point. I want to validate their reality and help them through it. I know I need to heal myself before I can really help others but I hope that someday I can do that.